Guilt and making my home a home

It is almost christmas, a time to spend with family and friends. I am feeling a little guilty that I love to celebrate it with my family instead of with my friends. I would like to please everyone but I just can't. If I try to please everyone I would have to travel for two straight days. Next year I need to think this over before I decide to spend all my time with my family.

Feeling guilty is something I struggle with a lot. I try to please everyone but don't spend enough time with just myself. This evening was the first evening I could spend alone at home. I fell asleep before I even had diner and woke up because someone texted me on my phone. I am so tired because everyone wants something from me that I also want to give. Hospitality is very important too me but I can't show my house because of the mess. I have been  living here for almost a year but it feels like a student apartment. I don't have enough closetspace for all my clothes, I don't have any curtains, I don't have doors in all my rooms etc. I know these are just luxury problems but still....

How to make my home a real home without neglecting my friends and family.... that is my real question :s.

What to do with midwinter

It is almost that special time of the year where I take a step back to enjoy the warmth of family and friends (okay, good food and wine too). I especially like the twelve days around midwinter. I can't celebrate it exactly the way I want because I live in a christian world and that would mean that I would have to celebrate it alone but I prefer the warmth of the seasoning so I always go back to my family. I always try to incorporate some of my believes into their christmas celebration (my family is non believing). I use those twelve days to reflect on my believes, which do I still stand for and what has changed this year in my life? Do I still feel the same connections with the Gods? What can I change so make myself a better person (no, I will never became Mother Theresa but I still can try sometimes to bring some good ;)). My spiritual path is a strange one that especially needs evaluation this year. Asatru is calling really badly but I don't want to fall for it without thinking and praying it over and that is really hard. I have fought for years to keep standing in the modern witchcraft/paganism and by changing directions so drastically I feel like that fight is going to start all over again.

A part that I especially like during this season is the tree. I like to decorate it and putting the lights in. This year I still haven't set up a tree because I don't know how to get one to my home ;). I hoped my parents would put one up for christmas but they don't want to do it because they think it is to much of a work :(. So probably I won't see a christmastree this year :(.

How do you celebrate christmas/midwinter/yule? And what is your favourite part?

Some changes are nice ones :D

This month has been a little bit crazy. I have been single for over 8 years. That sounds kinda pathetic but I rather want to be single then fall in love all the time. But yes it happened, I fell in love with al wonderfull guy :D. I am really happy especially because he likes me too ;).

Sinterklaas

On the 5th of december we always celebrate Sinterklaas (saint Nicolas) in the Netherlands. It is one of my favourite festivities of the year. Originally its a catholic festivity but the story of a entity punishing the insolent and giving gifts to good children is much older. Saint Nicolas rides on a horse on top of the roofs and sends his helper Zwarte Piet (Black Piet) down the chimney to bring gifts. He comes at the end of november to our country with a big steamship from Spain with all his helpers. And yes, the put that on national television every year. Every year there is a special news program about its progress towards the Netherlands (their are every year dificulties and stories that he can't come this year to scare the children).

I no longer believe in Sinterklaas (okay you are right.... Santa Claus is a really cheap Coca Cola nock off of the real thing Sinterklaas :D), but I still celebrate his feast every year with my family. It always starts with putting all our names in a bowl and taking one out. For this person you have to het 3 gifts with verses.

Because the 5th of december is on a monday and we all need to work we celebrated it today. It was really funny the only litte hick up was that I didn't receive any gifts and my father got 6 :P. Yes, there was a little mix up who got who. But I still loved the evening and I really don't mind not getting any gifts, I am much happier with the warmth and fun I had with my family. The big laughs we have with each other are every year my biggest gifts and the reason why I love Sinterklaas so much.

We do "celebrate" christmas (think: food, fun and family) while I celebrate Yule at the same time ;). But we normally don't give each other gifts during christmas. Most of the time I am the only one to give something (the ugliest socks I can find to make everyone laugh). But I really like Sinterklaas better :D.

And about my gifts ;), I am told I will get them another time LOL.

Update about my life

It has been a while since I posted on this weblog. My little chicklings aren't little anymore and finally have flown away. The weather has changed too so now it is getting much colder and the harvest storms have left the country.

I am truying to get to know myself spiritually again. I have been a wiccan for over 10 years but it doesn't fit me anymore. I don't want a complicated religion with many rules. I want a religion that I understand and I can fit myself into and which I can fit around me. I am looking in all different directions (no, christianity isn't it ;)). I found some stuff about my old dutch heritage and the old religions of my land. I don't know what to do with this knowledge. I am looking into it and it scares me a little but also feels completely okay. It is more the stigma other people have with this path. I am talking about Asatru.

Asatru is a pagan religion and why of life that is based on the old ways of the Noreman and the old western european religion with some local Gods and Goddesses but also a rich pantheon. I am talking about Thor, Wodan and Frya (to call some). I am especially drawn to the local dutch Goddess Nehalennia who is the Goddess of water and earth (a big dutch theme because living with and "fearing" both is part of being dutch ;)).

My problem with Asatru is that during WWII some germans used this religion to explain why they were superior. They started to use symbols which are still used by the neo-nazi's. Don't get me wrong I am REALLY not a nazi. I know the base of this religion is ok but is based on the Edda (bloody stories about the Gods and the three of life ;)). So I don't know what to do :(. Any insides to given me???

Bizar body :s

I have had problems with my lungs for some time now. I have been coughing my lungs out of my body, and haven't been able to walk a stair for quit some time. My doctor wanted to know if I had an infection in my sinusses so last week I had to let them take a X-ray of my head (yes, I do have brains). Today my doctor called me to tell me the results. It seems to be absolutely impossible for me to get sinusitis because..... I don't have any..... I just started laughing real hard when I heard that. It seems that I belong to the 5% of the population that hasn't formed a frontal sinus but to top it of my other sinusses are really really really tiny. I so hope that I can get that X-ray (I am a schooled radiology/nucleair medicine/echografic technologist) and put it in a frame or use it for study material for my students (what is wrong with this picture.... that would just be plain evil). Even my doctor was amazed and didn't know what to do with it. I just think it's hilarious ;). I am kind of happy about it because my father always had infections in his frontal sinus and I will never have to endure that!!!

Sorry but I am still smiling and laughing my ass off about this ;).

Fly away pigeons, fly away!

The little ones aren't so little anymore. They are almost as big as their mother but still want and need her to feed them. I hope they will spread their wings soon because I want my balcony back!! They became really tame which is kind of funny but also a pain because I really don't want to see them back when they have flown away.

They are still no beauties but it has inproved a lot since the last time I posted about my chicklings.

My entire balcony is covered with pigeonpoo so I really want to clean it up when they leave (tips are welcome).