Observing me

it has been a while since I last posted on my blog. It is just because so much (or so little) has happened in my life that I have't found the energy to write here about it. It all started at Ostara and now, finally I can write about my transformation inside and out. For starters, I am no longer a victim.

I was a victim by myself kept hostige in a body that wasn't mine. Because I had body issues that great it stopped me from being myself and doing what I wanted to do. It cost me a lot of years to except that it is just me and it won't change doing nothing. So yes, I finally started bellydancing, going to friends, going to festivals, flirt etc. I even plan to go on 2!! tours with student orchestra's who asked ME to go with them.

On the inside a lot changed. I am not scared anymore to be myself. I found my own power and know my strengths as well as my weaknessess (it took me a burn-out to get there). I changed directions in my religious observance and now I am able to PROUDLY say that Asatru is my path at the moment (no one knows what will change ;)). And although that has been a big step I am a sister of CiL wich means that I am a headcovering pagan too (more about the why in another post). I started covering at Ostara and haven't taken of the veil ever since and yes, that makes me stronger and proud of myself.

I will be writing more on my experiences as a headcovering heathen in a christian dominated world (yes, that can be funny :D). So more to come soon!!!

Youp is coming home!

As spring is approaching so is the weather improving. It is getting warm over here with a lot of sunlight. It has been a while that I wrote something on my blog but I have some exciting news!

My little bunny is coming home! Yesterday my parents and I went and visited the breeder. It was on a childfarm and it was really nice. Next to the french lobsided rabbits they also had goats, pigs, cows, sheeps and horses. Because of the beautifull weather there were a lot of babies. We went to see the chocolate brown rabbits and I just fell in love all over again! Mom and dad are just beautifull. When I came they gave me a little bunny to cuddle and to keep me occupied because it was really busy. It was such a sweety!! I just kept sitting on my lap and putting his head in my jacket. We arranged that I can come and get Youp in two weeks so he is really coming home!

Other animal news, those darn pigeons have totally distroyed my balcony!! Me and my friend tried to clean it wednesday but it is not working. It is to much shit to clean up. I hope I can clean it in a couple of weeks when it gets warmer because it needs to be done with a brush and soap. I still hope that the mess will just magically disappear......

So that's my animal news for now!!!

First bunny picture!!

This morning I got an email from the bunnyfarm with a beautifull picture of the three little ones. One died in the last week due to the extreem cold over here. So here it is!!

Aren't they sweet???? They are still so helpless but I know they will grow fast and get really really big :D. I am really happy that those three survived the cold outside. I can't wait to meet my new roommate but it won't be another 8 weeks before I will be able to cuddle him.

Cold and bunnies

It has been almost a week that I last updated my blog. That's why I decided to do one on the weather (it is such a neutral topic). It has been FREEZING COLD this week. It hasn't been this cold for the last 20 years. The dutch are skating again and thinking about the "Elfstedentocht" (A skatingtour held on natural ice in Friesland across eleven cities). The last time we had one is almost 15 years ago (yes, it is really rear). The ice needs to be very thick for such a tour. How cold it is? -20 C at night and -6 C during the day. I am not able to keep my house warm anymore so I mostly stay in the living room with warm clothing. I hope it won't last for long because I would go to the Efteling (a dutch attraction park) next saturday.

The biggest problem in the Netherlands with cold and especially snow is that the public transportation isn't functioning anymore. At the first flocks of snow the trains start to break down and the traincompany decides to take out some trains. This means that to travel you have to wait around 45 minutes to get in a train that is really to full. So no, I am not really sure how to get to work tomorrow or at what time ;).

There is also some coldstress on the bunny front. My little 6 day old bunny is outside with his mother and we don't know if the little one will survive :(. His mother is being really good and keeping them warm but nature has his own ways where people don't have influence on. I hope it will be alright :(.

So I hope Ostara will hurry up a little bit and Donar will kill some Ice-Giants so the cold will break and spring will come soon!

Spiritual Event

Today I went to a spiritual market nearby my hometown. It was the biggest spiritual event in the Netherlands, Belgium and Luxembourgh. I spend my time there with two of my close friends.

The market was fun. A lot of stands offering all kind of spiritual stuff. There were many cards (tarot and other) and other stuff like incense ( a LOT of incense) and even musical instruments!! A nice surprise to me where the stands about sjamanism. hey offered spirit shields, smudgers and dream catchers (yawn) I bought a beautiful feather smudger with a peacock feather (stands for pride and confidence), a leather rune pouch, some incense and a new simpler incense burner. Yes, I spend too much money.

There were also readings from paragnosts (some good, some bad) I had a really good one from a man and lady. The lady draws pictures for the person they do the reading for and together they explain and tell you what the problems on your path are and how you need to overcome those problems. They warned me that I needed to break down my walls and let people back into my life again or else I would become a hermit. They advised me to take babysteps and to trust myself. They sad that I am a wise person to whom people come with their questions (too true) and that I don't need to feel social awkward because people who bother to get to know me (learn my handguide) will see me for the person I am. It meant a lot to me because this is a major struggle I face daily that even got worse when I got sick.

To finish the day, I had my very first thai foot massage and I want one again!! It was so nice!! I really felt the pain disappear from my legs and feet after walking all day!

To top this day off, I got the news that young bunnies have been born and I will have mine soon!!!

Burn out

Last year I got a burn out. Yes, big statement for a young person. Over the last year I have had extensive treatment which has really helped me a lot. There is only one big hurdle to take, my job.

I absolutely totally love my job but the workload is really to heavy to handle right now. It is not the job, it is the conditions I have to work in that make my life almost unbearable at times. We don't have enough qualified and all round workers to do the job and there aren't even enough people to teach the new ones the ropes.'

Mentally I am getting better but my work holds me back. I really want to work fulltime but right now I can only handle 75%. I feel guilty because I am "sick". I don't know what to do anymore..... should I go and search for another job? I don't want to do that :(.

They want me to talk to the managers of my department to let them know what is happening to me but I don't really see the use for that :(. (O, if you think I am the only one: 2 others are totally at home and 2 more have difficulties but are still kinda managing).

Any ideas?

Waiting......

I am waiting for the birth of my little bunny. This sounds so strange but I have been waiting for almost 3 months now. Mama bunny is due this week so I hope for good news before the end of next week. I really love rabbits and the one I am getting is really big :D. I hope everything will go well and that in 8 weeks I have my bunny friend in my home.

What being sick means to me

Today has been an off day to me. Yesterday evening I probably ate something wrong which means that I got really sick over the night into this day.

The title of this entry is what being sick means to me. I am one of those blessed with a strange body. I have multiple chronic diseases that I was born with. It affects me daily but I don't let it affect my daily life. Yes, I work fulltime, live alone and have to manage everything on my own. I don't have to stay in bed all the time or have to stop working.

What it does mean to me is that I have to be really carefull with food. I have a chronic bowel disease (my white bloodcells are thinking that my bowell is a strange object that they have to eliminate...... figure that) which was the problem last evening. Everything that hasn't been cooked properly or is fat or has many spices means I will get really sick. So yes, I did have a fun night.

Being sick or having to watch out so not to get sick is something I have to handle on a daily basis. It also means that I can appreciate good days. A doctor ones told me that I walk the marathon every day so it isn't strange that I am tired a lot. Well, being tired won't stop me enjoying my life. It does mean that I have to be really thoughtfull what I do with my energy. So yes, I do enjoy living and learning even more because I know how bad it can be.

So tomorrow there will be another day that I can enjoy!! And I hope it won't be a cold and rainy one but a beautifull one that I can enjoy :).